Funny Quotes - Page 84

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

The effect of sailing is produced by a judicious arrangement of the sails to the direction of the wind.

Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.

Our promise to our children should be this: if you do well in school, we will pay for you to obtain a college degree.

You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father s. He's more particular. The father is always a Republican towards his son, and his mother's always a Democrat.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.

Originality consists in trying to be like everybody else and failing.

I don't like half the folks I love.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

No friendship is an accident.

The best love affairs are those we never had.