Funny Quotes - Page 87

Anyone can drink beer, but it takes intelligence to enjoy beer.

The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

I really wanted to be nasty and mean and bad. It's so much easier than being the good girl

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

People think [baseball players] make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

What do women want? Shoes.

You can pretend anything and master it.

Money will come when you are doing the right thing.

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.

I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

Life is short, so enjoy it to the fullest.

In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.

It was a fine fall morning in Paris, crisp and clear, and Benji was quite full of himself, cavorting near the fountain, playing with the children who had inexplicably materialized out of nowhere at the first whiff of a movie star. Their faces radiated and they took turns gently stroking his head. Those Benji chose to favor with a big sloppy lick exploded with laughter, and one young girl ran to her mother, screeching in French that she would never wash her face again.

Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.