Funny Quotes - Page 88

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

Life is something that everyone should try at least once.

Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.

I went to my son's graduation this weekend, and I heard a great quote I've never heard before from Albert Einstein. It was that the greatest danger to the world is not the bad people but it's the good people who don't speak out.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Beer is an improvement on water itself.

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

They that go down to the sea in ships' see strange things, but what they tell is oft-times stranger still. A faculty for romancing is imparted by a seafaring life as readily and surely as a rolling gait and a weather-beaten countenance. A fine imagination is one of the gifts of the ocean-witness the surprising and unlimited power of expression and epithet possessed by the sailor. And a fine imagination will frequently manifest itself in other ways besides swear words.

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong end.

A fool flatters himself, a wise man flatters the fool.

In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is boss.

The biggest lesson I've learned . . . was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and all the food you want to eat, you ought never to complain about anything.

I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.

Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we'd be here every freakin' day.

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. 'Yes', she replied 'but not the same ones.'

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.