Funny Quotes - Page 85

I have read your book and much like it.

To make a million, start with $900,000.

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...'

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer.

Sex is like money; only too much is enough.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I may not be able to pull on the smallest of holds, but those I can pull on I can pull on all day long.

I've climbed with some of the best climbers in the world, more importantly, to me, they are some of the best people in the world. That's another reason why I climb.

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

They misunderestimated me.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God??

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.

This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.

An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.