Funny Quotes - Page 90

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks--it says, Goodbye.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.