Funny Quotes - Page 89

My handicap? Woods and irons.

Just a reminder - a guidebook is no substitute for skill, experience, judgment and lots of tension.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.

Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.

Nothing's changed my life more. I feel better about myself as a person, being conscious and responsible for my actions and I lost weight and my skin cleared up and I got bright eyes and I just became stronger and healthier and happier. Can't think of anything better in the world to be but be vegan.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

My little computer said such a funny thing this morning.

Books are totally useless unless you take their advice. If you just keep reading them, thinking "that's so insightful! that changes everything," but never actually doing anything different, then pretty quickly the feeling will wear off and you'll start searching for another book to fill the void.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.