Funny Quotes - Page 86

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.

There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense.

Life is brought down to the basics: if you are warm, regular, healthy, not thirsty or hungry, then you are not on a mountain... Climbing at altitude is like hitting your head against a brick wall - it's great when you stop.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

Television: The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.

There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

On life's vast ocean diversely we sail. Reasons the card, but passion the gale.

A foolproof plan for not getting a job - show up for your interview wearing flip flops.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

It's a funny thing, how much time we spend planning our lives. We so convince ourselves of what we want to do, that sometimes we don't see what we're meant to do.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.