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George Carlin Quotes about Funny - Page 2

All George Carlin Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny quotes Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Funny, Humor, Names

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Funny, Travel, Airplane

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Funny, Sarcastic, Dream

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Inspirational, Funny, Witty

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Funny, Humor, Men

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Funny, Money, Humor

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Funny, Prayer, Numbers

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.28, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

"No comment" is a comment.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.89, Hachette UK

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

Funny, Stupid, Pregnancy

"It's Bad for Ya". Comedy album by George Carlin, 2008.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Funny, Humor, Pigs

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Funny, Life, People

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Funny, Laughter, Roof Over Your Head

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Funny, Life, Reality

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Funny, Humor, Two

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

Funny, Humor, Names

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Inspirational, Funny, Life

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Funny, Humor, Improvement

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