Authors:

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

George Carlin Quotes about Funny - Page 3

All George Carlin Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny quotes Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Funny, Stupid, Humor

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Funny, Dream, Time

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

Funny, Life, Sarcastic

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

Funny, Time, Jobs

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Always do whatever's next.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.217, Hachette UK

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Funny, Bible, Witty

"George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Funny, Humor, Stupid People

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Funny, Morning, Dark

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Funny, Success, Witty

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"Complaints and Grievances". Documentary, Comedy, 2001.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Funny, Death, Senior

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Funny, Humor, Stupid People

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Funny, Sarcastic, Mother

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Funny, Money, Work

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.206, Hachette UK

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Funny, Life, Smile

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

Funny, Peace, Freedom

"George Carlin: Doin' It Again", www.imdb.com. 1990.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Funny, Stupid, Humor

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

Funny, Witty, Stupid

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

Funny, Running, Years

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Funny, Humor, Gun

You May Also Like: