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George Carlin Quotes about Funny - Page 5

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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Funny, Humor, People

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Funny, Abortion, Religion

"Back in Town". Documentary, Comedy, 1996.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Inspirational, Funny, Mean Girls

"George Carlin: Jammin' in New York", www.imdb.com. 1992.

The status quo sucks.

Funny, Life, Humor

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Funny, Humor, Tests

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.91, Hachette UK

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.

Funny, Guy, Drug

"Brain Droppings".

What year did Jesus think it was?

Funny, Jesus, Humor

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

Funny, Moving, Humor

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.573, Hachette UK

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

Funny, Math, Sarcasm

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.191, Hachette UK

Religion is just mind control.

Funny, Mind, Religion

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Funny, Humor, Dumb Questions

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Funny, Change, Money

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

"George Carlin: Playin' with Your Head". TV Special, www.imdb.com. 1986.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

Funny, Humor, Thinking

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Funny, Halloween, Night

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.86, Hachette UK

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Funny, Humor, Rocks

"Napalm and Silly Putty". Book by George Carlin, 2001.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Funny, Witty, Atheist

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Funny, Humor, Waiting Rooms

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Funny, Sports, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Funny, Baby, Two

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