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George Carlin Quotes about Funny

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Funny, Life, Witty

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Funny, Life, Motivational

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Funny, Humor, Mean

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Funny, Life, Witty

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.205, Hachette UK

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Funny, Mean, Humor

"The G20 Needs a Permanent Home" by Craig and Marc Kielburger, www.huffingtonpost.com. November 18, 2010.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Funny, Christmas, Girl

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Inspirational, Funny, Life

"Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Funny, Thinking, Should Have

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Funny, Wedding, Truth

"When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?". Book by George Carlin, 2004.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Funny, Philosophy, Health

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Funny, Philosophy, Humor

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Funny, Philosophy, Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Funny, Humor, Beer

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Funny, Disappointment, Humor

"A Note on George Carlin about Steroids and Sports from a Practical Idealist" by Carol Smaldino, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 19, 2009.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Funny, Ambition, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Funny, Witty, Peace

"Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". Stand-up act, edition.cnn.com. 1972.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Funny, Life, Humor

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"Why My Journey Of Grief Is So Like A Butterfly’s Metamorphosis" by Laurie Burrows Grad, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 4, 2016.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Funny, Humor, Machines

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