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George Carlin Quotes about Funny - Page 4

All George Carlin Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny quotes Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Funny, Future, Humor

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Funny, Humor, Shapes

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Funny, Humor, Perspective

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

Funny, Birthday, Meaningful

"‘Orange Is the New Black’ ... Geek Is the New Chic... 60 Is the New?" by David Sable, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 26, 2013.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Inspirational, Funny, Life

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

Funny, Sexy, Arms

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Funny, Stupid, Humor

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Inspirational, Funny, Truth

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Funny, Father, Humor

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Funny, Dog, Nice

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.211, Hachette UK

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Funny, Taken, Humor

"George Carlin’s Daughter Kelly Carlin-McCall To Record Oral History Of Her Father’s Life For Hyperion" by Susan Wioszcyna, www.huffingtonpost.com. December 5, 2008.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

Funny, Mirrors, Differences

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Inspirational, Funny, Travel

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"You Are All Diseased". Book by George Carlin, 1999.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Funny, Sports, Stupid

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"Napalm and Silly Putty". Book by George Carlin, 2001.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Funny, Humor, Ends

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Funny, Humorous, Today

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