Jeff Foxworthy Quotes - Page 7

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y'all Doin'?

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.