Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 2

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.