Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 3

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.