Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 4

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

Never take candy from strangers.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.