Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 5

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.