Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 6

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.