Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 7

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

Cats are a waste of fur.

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.