If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
How can there be self-help groups?
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
Is 'tired old cliché' one?
My father was a small claims court jester.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
