Steven Wright Quotes - Page 12

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

What a nice night for an evening.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.