Steven Wright Quotes - Page 13

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I was an only child, eventually.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

A metaphor is like a simile.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.