Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
