What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
I just lost a buttonhole.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
