Funny Quotes - Page 103

"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good.

We were very aggressive, and when we're aggressive, it's hard to stop us.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.

I'll let the racket do the talking.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.