Funny Quotes - Page 105

What is the difference between astroturf and grass? I don't know, I never smoked astroturf.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

In order to compose, all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

If I didn't have some kind of education, then I wouldn't be able to count my money.

You don't realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step, or at least into taking some different course of action so we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get back. The key is don't leave until you have solved both problems.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.