Funny Quotes - Page 106

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem.

I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I feel sure that coups d'état would go much better if there were seats, boxes, and stalls so that one could see what was happening and not miss anything.

I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it.

Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say.

To see and listen to the wicked is already the beginning of wickedness.

The superior man acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his action.

When I want to know what France thinks, I ask myself.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

How can I lose to such an idiot?

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.