Funny Quotes - Page 100

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

After I saw Jimmy [Hendrix] play, I just went home and wondered what the f*** I was going to do with my life.

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

Make money your god, and it will plague you like the devil.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Never confuse movement with action.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Love is evil, spell it backwards, I’ll show ya.

Parrots, tortoises and redwoods live a longer life than men do; Men a longer life than dogs do; Dogs a longer life than love does.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Do not use a cannon to kill a mosquito.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.