Funny Quotes - Page 102

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame - Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.

I think that everything should be made available to everybody, and I mean LSD, cocaine, codeine, grass, opium, the works. Nothing on earth available to any man should be confiscated and made unlawful by other men in more seemingly powerful and advantageous positions.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

You're 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him?

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't make them all yourself.

If you're not getting older, you're dead.

If you have to ask if a clothing item is a dress or a top, it is always a top.