Funny Quotes - Page 104

To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop

Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

I'm thankful for the talent in which God gave me and I'm thankful for the environment that he placed me.

Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

A youth is to be regarded with respect. How do we know that his future will not be equal to our present?

My friends, there are no friends.

Life is laughter when seen in a long shot, but it is a tragedy when seen in a close-up.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother.

There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.

Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

The wicked can have only accomplices, the voluptuous have companions in debauchery, self-seekers have associates, the politic assemble the factions, the typical idler has connections, princes have courtiers. Only the virtuous have friends.