Funny Quotes - Page 120

Can't you read? The score demands 'con amore,' and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

Do not be in a hurry to succeed. What would you have to live for afterwards? Better make the horizon your goal; it will always be ahead of you.

If you don't think too good, don't think too much.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Time spent with a cat is never wasted.

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts longer.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

An aching tooth is better out than in. To lose a rotting member is a gain.

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.

As I learned from growing up, you don't mess with your grandmother.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It's possible that both are right.