Funny Quotes - Page 121

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both."-

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.

I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased with himself as he leaves the boudoir of a lady.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

The old - like children - talk to themselves, for they have reached that hopeless wisdom of experience which knows that though one were to cry it in the streets to multitudes, or whisper it in the kiss to one's beloved, the only ears that can ever hear one's secrets are one's own!

The sea is the same as it has been since before men ever went on it in boats.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'