Funny Quotes - Page 118

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

Life is too short to spend hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or hottest new lip shade will mask an ugly heart.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

In the long run we are all dead.

Here's a guy who can use his arms and legs at the same time.

Guitarists should be able to pick up the guitar and play music on it for an hour, without a rhythm section or anything.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

If you assume you haven't learned anything yet, there's no reason your playing can't stay dynamic all your life.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

One can never have enough socks

Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

Give me a guitar and I'll play; give me a stage and I'll perform; give me an auditorium and I'll fill it.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.