Funny Quotes - Page 119

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

I’ve long advised that bloggers seeking to make money from blogging spread their interests across multiple revenue streams so as not to put all their eggs in one basket.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel.

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Nothing said I had to crash.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

The small things of life were often so much bigger than the great things . . . the trivial pleasure like cooking, one's home, little poems especially sad ones, solitary walks, funny things seen and overheard.