Funny Quotes - Page 140

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

It's fear of the unknown. The unknown is what it is. And to be frightened of it is what sends everybody scurrying around chasing dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love, hate, all that-it's all illusion. Unknown is what it is. Accept that it's unknown and it's plain sailing. Everything is unknown-then you're ahead of the game. That's what it is. Right?

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

My personal advice is to go to school first and get a liberal arts education, and then if you want to pursue acting, go to graduate school.

Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.

Tell him he can have my title, but I want it back in the morning.

Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else--and usually it's reading his own handwriting.

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant.

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Acting is not about dressing up. Acting is about stripping bare. The whole essence of learning lines is to forget them so you can make them sound like you thought of them that instant.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

You're only as good as your last haircut.