Funny Quotes - Page 137

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.

People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'.

Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

Moral indignation in most cases is, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy.

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!