Funny Quotes - Page 138

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

I often pay homeless people to come round and clean my car.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet.

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money.

I have been laid up with intentional flu.

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Don't take life too seriously.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast

If you're explaining, you're losing.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts are not part of "Nature" : but beavers and their dams are.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.