Funny Quotes - Page 143

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.

I know a way to stay friends forever, There's really nothing to it, I tell you what to do, And you do it.

The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

Father told me that if I ever met a lady in a dress like yours, I must look her straight in the eyes.

The funny thing is that I feel close to all my characters. Deep, deep inside them all. I can't describe how deeply I love them all.

I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both.

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.