Funny Quotes - Page 139

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

All good things come to those who wait.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

Astrology is not an art, it is a disease.

Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth!

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.

Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is."

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.