Funny Quotes - Page 141

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Journalism is organized gossip.

I love humanity but I hate people.

A kiss, when all is said, what is it? A rosy dot placed on the 'I' in loving; Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

I'm shooting in Brooklyn, we've got all kinds of crap going on, and I'm all alone now in a big hotel suite that you can't believe the size of it and a thing sticks in my foot and I just think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Part of the charm of basketball lies in the fact that it's a simple game to understand. Players race up and down a fairly small area indoors and stuff the ball into a ring with Madonna's dress hanging on it.

They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.

They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Right now I'm pretty single... My career is my boyfriend.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

Be bold. If you're going to make an error, make a doozy, and don't be afraid to hit the ball.

They think they can make fuel from horse manure - now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.