Funny Quotes - Page 142

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all.

Love is like war; easy to begin, hard to end.

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

If a student takes the whole series of my folklore courses including the graduate seminars, he or she should learn something about fieldwork, something about bibliography, something about how to carry out library research, and something about how to publish that research.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

It is very comforting to believe that leaders who do terrible things are, in fact, mad. That way, all we have to do is make sure we don't put psychotics in high places and we've got the problem solved.

It's funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can't afford the music.

Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.