Funny Quotes - Page 144

Homer no function beer well without.

War is a poor chisel to carve out tomorrow.

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

If I had no sense of humor I should long ago have committed suicide.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Music is only love looking for words.

With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.

My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

Every dog has it's day, unless he loses his tail, then he has a weakend.

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.

If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a touchdown.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.