Funny Quotes - Page 145

More and more of our imports are coming from overseas

A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

The greatest teacher is just going out and playing.

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Small things amuse small minds.

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I spend a lot of time reading.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.