Funny Quotes - Page 147

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.

Water, water, everywhere, And all the boards did shrink; Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.

If, sir, men were all virtuous, I should with great alacrity teach them all to fly. But what would be the security of the good if the bad could at pleasure invade them from the sky? Against an army sailing through the clouds neither wall, nor mountains, nor seas could afford any security.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

The best way to turn a woman's head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Everyone underestimates their own life. Funny thing is, in the end, all our stories...they're the same. In fact, no matter where you go in the world, there is only one important story: of youth, loss and yearning for redemption. So we tell the same story, over and over. Only the details are different.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Live as long as you may, the first twenty years are the longest half of your life.

Its a funny thing Alice, dying is just the way I composed it in Tod und Verklärung.

Great little One! whose all-embracing birth Lifts Earth to Heaven, stoops Heaven to Earth.

It's funny how many people will come to Vegas to see your show where they might not come out to see you unless you come to their hometown.

For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.

I am not one to turn down macaroni and cheese, even late at night. I love Italian food. I love pasta... A refrigerator full of water and Gatorade? Honey, that's just not gonna happen.

The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Good-looking people turn me off. Myself included.

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.