Funny Quotes - Page 151

I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

I like friends as I like music - when I am in the mood.

I often carry things to read so that I will not have to look at the people.

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.

I've always said that in politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you.

He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave.

Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I don't think about what other people expect or anything. I mean, I sit and worrying so much about what I'M thinking, I'd go NUTS if I sat around worrying about other people.

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

That lad must have been born offside.

Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.