Funny Quotes - Page 149

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

we love what we love and who we love who we love and why we love why we love and find a falling shoelace knotted and strung between the fingers of strangers

I'm not retiring. I am graduating. Today is my graduation day. Retirement means that you'll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain't going to happen.

One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.

Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

I had to wait 110 years to become famous. I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.

Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation.

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

Stupidity is better kept a secret than displayed.

Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.