Funny Quotes - Page 150

Each year India and China produce four million graduates compared with just over 250,000 in Britain.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

I'm President of the United States, and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli!

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.

Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

As long as the wrong feels right - it's like I'm in flight.

A good neighbor sometimes cuts your morning up to mince-meat of the very smallest talk, then helps to sugar her bohea at night with your reputation.

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Don't be concerned about others not appreciating you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others.

The funniest people are the saddest once

At fifteen, my mind was bent on learning. At thirty, I stood firm. At forty, I had no doubts. At fifty, I knew the decrees of Heaven. At sixty, my ear was receptive to truth. At seventy, I could follow my heart's desires without sin.