Funny Quotes - Page 30

When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

Remember that true beauty comes from within - from within bottles, jars, compacts, and lipstick tubes

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

If the right to vote were expanded to seven year olds … its policies would most definitely reflect the ‘legitimate concerns’ of children to have ‘adequate’ and ‘equal’ access to ‘free’ french fries, lemonade and videos.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.

Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.

A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

I did graduate with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering in 1948.

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard a horse sing a song.

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.