Funny Quotes - Page 29

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

The more we study the more we discover our ignorance.

Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Adversity, if you allow it to, will fortify you and make you the best you can be.