Funny Quotes - Page 27

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.

The three toughest fighters I ever fought were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

Haters keep on hating, cause somebody's gotta do it.

Life is just a bowl of cherries, don't take it serious, its mysterious. Life is just a bowl of cherries, so live and laugh and laugh at love, love a laugh, laugh and love.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.

A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Girls have got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.